Tomato Tumor Two Thousand-Ten

It happens every year and this year's no exception. I give you the annual, "Yeesh. What The Heck Is That Growing Off That Tomato?"I'm debating which Muppet it resembles: Gonzo or Dr. Bunsen Honeydew? Actually, now that I think about it, this probably would be the result of the crazy scientist and blue daredevil having a romantic night of red wine and Kenny G tones next to a roaring fire.

Topsy Turvy® Can Kiss My Asparagus

"Ready to discover the easiest way to garden?" Do tell, oh great Bill Felknor, you agricultural genius and creator of inverted 'mater makin'. What's that you say? Growing tomato plants upside down is the next best thing since sliced bread and the Flowbee? Oh my goodness, this is amazing. Wait, peppers and strawberries, too? Herbs and cucumbers? This is revolutionary. We're living in a world where everything is flipped on its head. Does this mean pineapple upside down cake is now just pineapple cake?

Alright, enough with the sarcasm.

Don't be fooled by this next "As Seen On TV" sensation. If the best way to grow produce was upside down, Mother Nature would have figured that out long before Billy was even a sprout. Fact of the matter is, growing tomatoes right-side up is more productive and cheaper. All I have to do is look in the backyard for proof.

The Bottom Two Tomatoes Are Slightly Bigger Than A Baseball

If you look at the reviews for the TT on the internet, you get a range of comments....a lot of them on the not-so-good end. People complain of small fruits, constant maintenance, difficult assembly, heavy weight, slow growth, etc. One person even said the plants started growing upwards.

It's supposed to protect from fungus, animals, and other pests. Really? My biggest nuisance is birds. So you're telling me a plant in the air is less likely to get attacked by my feathery foes because it's CLOSER to them? Riiiiiiight.

Here's what I know from my experience this year alone. I have four tomato plants. Two of them I grew from seeds. And the tomatoes on those plants are much bigger than anything that gimmicky plant could grow.

The Way Tomato Plants Should Look

Second, at $10 per tomato set-up (not including shipping and handling), plus a water wand to reach the higher root system, plus the special turvy tomato food, plus all the gear to hang the dumb thing up, plus all the same expenses I'd pay for plants, soil, and animal protection.... well, it's not hard to do the math. NOTE: I paid $4/pot and $5/metal stake two years ago. Those will last me for several growing seasons. The TT bag would be lucky to make it a couple summers.

In the end, you'd be paying a lot more for tomatoes that aren't as good as ones grown the old-fashioned way. That's more money you could spend on a Sham-Wow to wipe up your tears of disappointment over crappy tomatoes.

Do yourself a favor: keep the dirt in the dirt and the tomato vines reaching for the sky.

Good Gardener, Baaaaad Blogger

L-A-Z-Y....I ain't got no alibi, I'm lazy.

It has been almost a year since I dusted the potting mix off my hands (figuratively speaking) and posted on the TGLT blog. Many have asked why I didn't restart the blog this growing season; some asked if I even have a garden this year.

Fear not, the Harlan Farmshare does exist in 2010. No, not as some stupid Facebook game to annoy all my friends. Jeremy found a cuddly rabbit in his carrots. Help Jeremy skin, gut, cut, and braise this rabbit for Sunday stew. Unlike.

The Cherry Tomatoes Look Real Strong This Season

But it's not exactly the extravagant, wide-ranging backyard of crops as before. This year I wanted to return a little more to basics. I planted veggies and herbs I knew were pretty successful in the past. Yes, I did try a couple new things. Some have been a good showing. Some have been an epic fail. Cough...spinach. But all in all, we have our standard tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, zucchini, basil, rosemary, oregano, etc.

Today does mark a big day because we have our first large tomato ready to be picked. It's a lemon variety. Traditionally yellow in color, I let this first ripen a little longer. So now it's more orange than yellow. Kind of like that traffic light you ran through last week while late for work. It wasn't quite red...but a pretty good ways from yellow.

I promise I'll pick up steam in posting. As long as this insufferable triple-degree heat doesn't stick around all summer, I should have plenty of stuff in the garden to blab about.

The August Monthly Update

It has been way too long since the last posting. The main reason: the new addition to the house. No, not a kid. But just as taxing: a puppy. Our buddy Truman is a non-stop attention grabber. This hasn't necessarily taken away from my time to tend to the garden, just to the blog.

So here is a quick update on the garden.

It is dang hot and humid out. The plants, for the most part, do not enjoy this extreme heat and lack of rain. The tomato plants have slowed down fruit production and are killing off branches and leaves not supporting the fruit. The cucumber plant is struggling, the salad is long gone, and due to Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Truman, the acorn squash plant is no more. The squirrel ate half the squashes and Truman came right behind and pulled up the plants. I wasn't too upset because the squashes weren't very big and the plant was struggling.

What are doing well are all the pepper plants, the herbs, and the fruit vines. It's no coincidence, I guess, the pepper plants enjoy the hot weather. I have so many jalapenos, New Mexico Chiles, and Romanian sweet peppers, I've resorted to freezing them for later roasting.

The raspberry and blueberry vines are spreading quickly and that will be good news come next spring.

That's all I have time for. I'm sure Truman needs to go outside to do whatever he feels he needs to do. Somewhere has to be a stick or pine cone to grab... or a small child to chase.

Cracks in the Armor

They may not be Jon and Kate or Reggie and Kim, but a good sized bunch of tomatoes are breaking up. Ironically, our problem is occurring just about everywhere except on our celebrity tomato plant.

As you can see, many of the tomatoes (mostly on the heirloom plant) have large tears or cracks in their skins. What causes this problem? There are a few possibilities.

1)Alteration in the growth rate- The fruits may not grow at a steady rate. They can go from a slow rate to a rapid rate. In doing so, the cells in the tomato may not be able to stretch quickly enough for the skin to grow in accordance with the rest of the fruit (kind of like stretch marks on a pregnant woman).

2) Fast growth- With the high temperatures and humidity here to stay, some fruits grow very fast, and again, the skin of the tomato can't stay with the rapid growth.

3)Fluctuation in temperature- In the hot sun the fruit heats up and cools off during the night. If it's a substantial change in temps, it causes a lot of expansion and contraction. This will cause the skin to crack during those cycles.

4)Uneven nutrient levels- Plants with high levels of nitrogen and low potassium are more likely to crack.

5)Change in watering cycles- If there's a dramatic change in the cycle the plant receives water, cracking will occur.I have a feeling that a couple of these could be my problem, but I think the main issue is #5. When I went on vacation, the watering cycle changed from every other day to whenever my neighbors could water. Don't get me wrong...for two weeks of no rain, my garden stayed healthy thanks to their efforts.

But the transition from a very wet spring to a dry summer has altered the water cycle of my plants. It was just a matter of time. If the rains had been even throughout the seasons, we may not have had the problem.

The good news about cracking is it doesn't make the tomatoes any less edible. Good thing because I need a good snack while surfing the celebrity gossip websites for all the new Hollywood break-ups and drama.